Posted by Chloe at 5/10/2007 01:11:00 am
It is so late and I am practically dead but I needed to tell you a list of things. Actually, it is a list I made in the taxi on my way home from the playmobil fun park where I went with my godson and my son.
1. I am going to that mountain village again for a few days. I will be back on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am going to celebrate the first day of May among the flowers. I hope I am not allergic to fresh air.
2. Remember the e-commerce site you all encouraged me about? It is online now. Although it is not totally ready yet, and even without our full range of products it is there and if there are things you notice and want to tell me to correct or add, or maybe you think I should just delete and start over, please let me know. Oh here it is.
3. I have my own domain now. I decided to do it the day before yesterday. I must be crazy because with all the work I have to do for the e-commerce site, I will never be able to transfer all my posts from Blogger to the new place. Still, one day that is going to be my new home. Once I have decorated it of course. Because it is pretty uninhabitable right now.
Erm, that's all. The other items on my list had mostly to do with the inevitability of mascara and moist tissues to clean my sunglasses with.
Bye bye, hugs, must go, the village goats beckon.
If I hear/read one of those again, I will stop talking and start barking.
-It’s all good
-When. this. is. done. for. emphasis.
-How cool is that?
-And I’m like, yeah, right.
-I have issues.
-"Don’t go there" meaning "don't think like that".
-White/Lime Green/……is the new black.
-Think outside the box.
-Hit the gym
-"So" at the end of the sentence when you can’t finish it.
-Life changing experience
-“To be honest”, when there is no revelation at all.
-Real good or real bad
-“embrace diversity” (the actual words, not the meaning)
-“My thoughts and prayers are with you” especially when used by politicians on TV
-Put your hands together
-Keeping it real
-You can say that again
-Brangelina, Bennifer, Tomkat etc
-“and she goes…” meaning “and she said…”
Yesterday, in the supermarket, while daydreaming in front of the pantiliners shelf, a crazy looking, blonde woman around 50, approached me. They always do. “Do you know where they keep the incontinence pads?” she asked.
I showed her. They were hidden away along with the baby toiletries, for some reason. The crazy looking blonde thanked me a million times and hastened to add that she needed them for her mother, not for her.
Another woman, let’s call her auburn lady, not much older than the blonde one, was shopping nearby. As soon as the blonde lady noticed the auburn lady, she grabbed an incontinence pads pack and waving it from the other end of the shampoo section, started shouting at the top of her voice: “Hey lady, you should know. Is this the right one to buy? You are using these, right?”
Whereupon the auburn lady pursed her lips and proceeded to the check out.
I thought I’d tell you an incoherent story. Back in November things started going seriously wrong for me. It was a combination of difficult situations topped with my sense of not belonging here. I cannot tell you how many times I thought I had lost it completely.
I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to eat. Or, I only wanted to sleep. I only wanted to eat.
I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I was angry for feeling so lonely. When I was with people I had nothing to say to them. Every day was a mountain of chores and the despair was increasing. And gradually, I stopped writing here, which has always been an immense pleasure to me.
I think I also became unreasonable. Increasing helplessness makes you unreasonable.
When you feel desperate and helpless other people notice. And you see the reflection of your despair in their eyes. So you don’t want to meet them anymore.
Someone said I was depressed. I thought, I am not just depressed; I am absolutely submerged in this unhappiness. So, no, I was not depressed.
A day came when I seriously doubted my ability to live. Sometimes, in the night, everything seems easy. It’s easy to just stop, or so it seems. In the morning, there was always a new flicker of hope, but the nights were becoming more and more difficult.
I talked to my sister, I talked to M, I talked to Blondie. I told some of it to some of you. But for a while, nothing happened. Then, things started to change a bit, after my birthday in March (which I didn’t celebrate). And then I went to those trips. The first one was good, the second was better. Considering, of course.
When I was in
I don’t know how many miles I walked, just thinking. It made me feel so powerful and in control. I know I don’t want to be here in Athens. There is no inspiration and even M who loves it here remarked one day as we were lying in the park in Richmond, that I looked like an animal in its habitat.
Also, I want to have more friends. I want to go out with friends and do things. And I don’t just want best friends. I have best friends. I want good people around me. At the same time I want to be more independent and push myself more.
Does it make any sense to you?
So that’s it. I wanted you to know why I made myself scarce. And to say thanks again, because you stayed right here during all the craziness.
Blackcrag has given me some homework, things he wants me to write. I have a week packed with posts to meet my deadline. Blackcrag is so strict.
I was not intentionally gone. I was here looking at the screen every day for the past 10 days.
I was searching for my thoughts and my words. I thought I had lost them all. A crystalline sadness had enclosed them, like those iced fruit we have for Christmas decorations.
I became awful, awful to be around. Nobody else’s fault but mine. An unexpected critical error in my system that affects stability, an inherent vulnerability.
I became physically sick, out of spite. I suffered from stomach cramps; I broke out in spots, had headaches that lasted for 24 hours and slept all day. And that was the easy part. I despise me for this.
I have to fix it. I mean me. Look at how many "I"s I typed. That must be the problem.
P.S Those of you who sent invitations to your blogs, please send them again. Blogger tells me I am not who I say I am and Blogger might be right, but I want those invitations dammit!
P.S Spring is good, everything is green and all that. And no spots anymore.
My sister advised me to stop worrying about M's fear of flying and get a sleeping pill myself, to avoid his panic stricken face. I have to tell you, I seriously doubt he is going to go through with the flight. I think he is going to start running once we approach check-in.
So, with my bag full of Bach flower remedies, anti-anxiety pills and sedatives for M, I bid you all adieu. I will be back next Friday with more London photos and hopefully less pills.
P.S I am going to miss you. It is so tranquil here online, with no voices at all.
No, wait. It actually stinks. Well, not love. Valentine's day, that's what I mean. I am so happy the day is over. I had forgotten until my son came back from school and announced: "Hey, it's Valentine's day. What are we going to do? Can I buy a new toy?"
And then when we went to the supermarket and M wanted to buy some unhealthy crisps, I mockingly yelled "VALENTINE!" and he blushed and left the bag where it was. So that was Valentine's day 2007.
But I don't want the day to go unsung. The following Eels lyrics are my tribute to this celebration of luv:
Life goes on
Nothing is new
Judge made it clear
I can't be near you
Eels "Restraining Order Blues"